


Horrible Mornings

by orphan_account



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Crack, I want to make this perfectly clear: THEY DO NOT FUCK, M/M, Multi, Phan - Freeform, both of them get butt naked but literally nothing sexy happens at all, cursing, dildo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-21
Updated: 2019-02-21
Packaged: 2019-11-01 15:02:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17869466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: If you like feeling warm and fuzzy inside after cooing at people's non-existent relationships, then this fic is not for you. However, if you enjoy laughing at terrible story premises and bad writing this is 100% made for you.So I saw a horrible prompt somewhere that was something along the lines of: "So person1 found person2's dildo in the dishwasher what do 😏😏😏😏" and my first thought was, oh my good lord I have to write for this prompt, it was what I was created for, it was destiny, fate perhaps. I was born unto no other purpose other than to bow down to the doom I had been preparing for my entire life, the fate I had woven for myself, the one true purpose your god had made for me. I had to write a horrible piece of fanfiction in which Dan and Phil do not fuck. All is clear now I have no other purpose other than this.





	Horrible Mornings

It was a fairly normal morning for Phil.

The London sky is cloudy with the midday sun barely peeking through the overcast haze, and the flat is somewhat cold for a fall day, warning of colder days to come. 

Phil’s socked feet slide against the cool tiles as he shuffles into the kitchen, feeling absolutely exhausted even though he awoke at around noon, and once he recalls why he decided to go into the kitchen he starts the kettle. He roots around the cabinets for his favorite blend of black tea and some sugar then tries to decide if he should make Dan some tea; he probably wouldn’t even be awake yet, but it was still worth a try to make his best friend some tea. 

Maybe he wasn’t being too hopeful, Dan had been waking up earlier than himself for the past few weeks. Phil would usually wake up at around noon and plod into the kitchen to find Dan bright and refreshed, shoving a cup of tea into his hand while making breakfast. Not that Phil could complain, considering Dan always made his tea better than he could and usually made pancakes, but Phil had missed waking up before him. Even though he was about as approachable as a badger when he woke up before Phil, he always looked kind of cute in a messy way with his horrifying bed head and sleep-deprivation zombie walk. 

Phil sleepily smiles to himself and begins to search for some mugs for the tea when it’s brewed. He grabs the hello kitty mug for Dan and in his muddled half asleep haze he dimly notes that his favorite mug isn’t in the cupboard. He frowns; he thought that he had already washed it, but apparently it was still in the dishwasher. He sighs and plods over to the door and pulls it open.

He stares.

He shuts the door and pinches the bridge of his nose, then takes off his glasses and rubs at his eyes. 

He sighs and braces himself to open the door again, knowing that it simply wasn’t possibly for there to be a dildo in the dishwasher this early in the morning.

He opens the door. 

And there it is on the bottom rack, just… there… fully…  
There. 

Phil slams the door shut, but doesn’t take his hand off of the handle. 

He pinches the bridge of his nose again; there was not a dildo in the dishwasher.

It’s at this moment that Dan walks into the kitchen, shifty eyed and very much awake. 

He stops when he sees Phil and his hand on the handle of the dishwasher and his eyes widen slightly and he meets Phil’s stare, “Heyyy Phil… I really didn’t expect you to be up this early.”

Phil is still traumatised by the phallic object on the bottom rack of their dishwasher, so his reply isn’t very clever, “Yes.”

Dan then attempts to be casual by leaning up against the doorframe and fails greatly, “So! Uh, whatcha doing then?” 

Phil’s wits are slowly coming back to him as he convinces himself that he was imagining the dildo in the dishwasher and he replies, “What does it look like I’m doing?”

Dan looks so uncomfortable and nervous right now that Phil feels clammy just looking at him, “Uh, not opening the dishwasher, perhaps? Making, um, pancakes or toast?” 

Phil frowns at Dan and then looks down at where his hand is still firmly latched onto the handle of the dishwasher door, where his favorite mug is… where a possible dildo is. 

“Um…”

Dan awkwardly laughs, “Ha, ha, yeah I’ll get some mugs. Why don’t you make some toast?” 

Phil shakes his head and mumbles, “No, no I’ll get the mugs, you can make toast.”

Just as Phil is about to open the door Dan bursts out, “NO! You can’t open that!”

Phil stops and stares at Dan, “Why the bloody hell can’t I?”

Dan fidgets, “Because… Uh because there’s something in there!”

So the dildo in the dishwasher wasn’t a hallucination, but he decides to humor Dan and asks, “Like what… dishes? I hate to tell you Dan, but there are almost always going to be dishes in a dishwasher. That’s like their main purpose, it’s everything they aspire to be from the moment they are baby dishwashers to when grow up to be big dishwashers.”

Dan struggles for a logical answer to that, but panics when Phil braces to open the door again, “No! No, no, no! No. I uh meant that there’s something in there you don’t want to see.”

Many people don’t believe Phil is a good actor, but it’s mostly because he saves his true talent for moments like these. Phil heavily sighs and rolls his eyes, “What is in there that could possibly be so bad?!”

Dan draws a blank on that one, but Phil can think of something (Uh, a dildo?). Phils sighs and goes to open the door, but then Dan panics blurts out, “A BODY!”

Phil stares at Dan, dumbfounded, but also containing hysterical laughter, “A body. What do you mean by ‘A body’?!” 

Dan stutters and tries to use his hands to explain himself and finally blurts out after a few moments, “It’s a dead cat that I found.”, as if it’s the most normal thing in the world to say.

Phil can only find it within himself to stare at Dan. Dan stares back. 

Phil sighs and uses one hand to pinch the bridge of his nose, “You really want me to believe that there is a dead cat in our dishwasher?” 

Dan lets out a strangled, “Yep.”

Phils looks at him, “You really want me to believe that you found a dead cat, or worse, killed a cat and brought it home, then put it in our dishwasher?!”

Dan rubs the back of his neck, visibly sweating, “I, uh, guess so.”

The room is silent for a few moments, aside from the kettle, before Phil shouts, “Are you fucking serious?!!!”

“I don’t know!”

“What do you mean you don’t know?! You really thought that it would be better to tell me that there’s a dead cat in our dishwasher rather than a dildo?!”

“You knew?!” 

Phil wildy gestures, “Of course I knew! I came in here looking for my mug and I get jumpscared by a bloody dildo! How is it even that big? Why would you put it in the dishwasher of all places?!!!” 

Dan struggles for words before shouting back, “It’s dishwasher safe! Why couldn’t you just get a different mug?!”

“Why couldn’t you just not put your dildo in the dishwasher?!”

The kettle is finally finished brewing, but Phil couldn’t care less, now that the issue of the dishwasher dildo was finally being addressed. Dan looks at Phil for a minute, opens his mouth to say something, but then shrugs and goes to make himself a cup of tea. 

Phil stands slack jawed before regaining his wits, “That’s it?! Aren’t you going to do something about it?!”

Dan shrugs, “Well you know about it now, and there’s no undoing that, so there isn’t really much I can do.”

“You can, oh I don’t know, MAYBE TAKE YOUR SEX TOY OUT OF THE DISHWASHER?!!!”

Dan raises his eyebrows and holds his hands up, “Okay, okay. Fine, I’ll do that.”

Dan sets down his mug and stands in front of Phil, so close that they’re almost touching. Phil suddenly feels very slow, “I, uh... What are you doing Dan?”

Dan speaks quietly, “Well you see I would be ‘getting my sex toy out of the dishwasher’ if there wasn’t this giant clumsy oaf standing in the way.”

Phil scowls and steps back, and turns to the kettle so he can make himself a cup of tea, and so he doesn’t have to watch Dan take the dildo out of the dishwasher.

He jumps when he feels Dan’s warm chest pressed against his back as he leans over him and gently sets Phil’s favorite mug down on the counter next to him. Phil quickly steps away from Dan, who is much too close and says, “I’m not sure I want to use that mug now that I know that it has potentially had your- your fluids on it at some point.” 

“Fluids? Really? You really couldn’t have picked a better word than fluids?”

“Well what did you want me to say?! Dan-juice?”

Dan just stares at him with horror and disgust, “Just fucking say the word cum! Oh my god, I wish that this was the Harry Potter universe and I could just obliviate myself so I don’t have to remember that phrase ever again. Maybe just delete all of my memories so I wouldn’t have to remember any of this.”

Dan walks out and Phil mutters to himself, “I wish I could delete this memory.” 

Phil begins to make the batter for pancakes and contemplates all of the suppressed memories he wishes he could delete. Embarrassing ones where he accidentally knocked over children or did something equally cringe worthy, awkward ones where he said the wrong thing, or the horrible combination awkwardness and embarrassment that half of his interactions with Dan just happened to be nowadays. 

It didn’t help that Phil didn’t know the exact nature of their relationship. 

Sometimes it seemed normal, other times it seemed like Dan was trying to tell him something and Phil didn’t want to listen. 

Phil has the batter mixed perfectly by the time comes back into the kitchen and nearly jumps out of his skin when he turns around to come face to face with a shirtless Dan. At first he tries to formulate a reply, but he ends up gaping like a fish before settling on, “What the fuck, Dan.”

Dan has the gall to look offended, “I was too hot.”

“You can’t just do that.”

Dan smirks, “Oh yes I can. This is my flat too. I can do whatever I want.”

Phil sighs, “Look, the dildo was pushing it, and I don’t know what you’re trying to do, but you need to stop.”

Dan looks like he’s considering something for a moment then says, “You know it’s just too hot in here, I guess I just need to-”

Dan takes off his sweatpants and Phil is more than happy that Dan is wearing pants. “Dan, stop.”

Dan ignores him and sets his hands on his, admittedly nice, hips. “You know, I’m just not comfortable yet.” He then proceeds to drop his pants.

Phil looks away, “Oh my god.”

Dan sets his hands on his hips and nods to himself, “This is nice. I like this.”

Phil hides his face in his hands, “No it’s not! Put your pants back on!”

Dan pretends to think this over, “Hmmmmm, I think… nah!”

Phil pushes frustratedly pushes his hair back, “Fine! If that’s how you want this to be, then so be it!”, He strips until he’s just standing completely naked, except for his socks, mirroring Dan’s posture.

Dan’s eyes are not on Phil’s face, “Uh…”

Dan’s gaze snaps away from Phil’s privates when he shouts, “Are you happy now?! Was this what you wanted? Well you got it you twat!” 

Phil turns back around to continue the process of pancake making and hears Dan’s heavy sigh. He ignores it and begins to heat up a frying pan and remove the used leaves from his tea. 

“Phil, I really like you!”

Phil replies without turning around, “I should hope so, I mean we’re friends after all.”

Dan sighs again, this time frustrated, “No, I mean more than a friend.”

Phil refuses to believe what he is hearing, “So, like best friends then?”

“No.” Dan grumbles.

“Then what do you mean?”

Phil turns around, and his heart practically stops when he comes face to face with Dan who is suddenly less than a few inches away. Dan softly says, “Like this.”, then kisses him. 

And it’s shit, it’s literally one of the worst kisses Phil has ever had.

“Dan, what the fuck!?!” 

“What?! I thought you liked me back!”

Phil stumbles away, “Well… Maybe! But you can’t- you can’t do that!”

“Phil, I just did it, so I obviously have the ability.”

Phil takes a deep breath and attempts to calm himself before he fully loses his shit, “Dan, take a fucking clue and ASK before you slam your face against mine, or attempt to eat my tongue, or whatever the fuck you just did.”

“It’s called french kissing!”

“It felt like a tentacle monster was attempting to swallow my tongue!”

Dan throws his hands up in the air, “Whatever. I’m done here.” 

Dan leaves the kitchen and Phil shouts after him, “Good! Go put some fucking clothes on!” 

Dan screeches and shouts, “No you!” 

Phil sighs and tiredly rubs at his eyes; the pancakes were burning.

 

The End

**Author's Note:**

> If for some reason you didn't realise, this is a all a big joke! Spaniel Towell has obviously never even heard of what a french kiss is


End file.
